Blogs & Comment

Explaining an inexplicable world: It’s those pesky time travelers!

The disruption of experiments at Geneva’s Large Hadron Collider—by a piece of baguette, no less—is obviously the work of a future conspiracy.

An illustration of the the Large Hadron Collider. Did a time-traveling bird knock it off-line? (Image courtesy CERN)

The disruption of experiments at Geneva’s Large Hadron Collider—by a piece of baguette, no less—has temporarily set back research into the nature’s most elusive element: a hypothetical subatomic particle called Higgs boson.

That a passing bird dropping stale bread can neutralize a multi-billion dollar scientific facility comes as no surprise to anyone who has experienced delay on the Toronto subway—where flakes of snow can shut down the system for months—but two scientists have come up with a novel alternative theory for the disruption: time traveling terrorists.

Bech Nielsen of the Niels Bohr Institute in Copenhagen and Masao Ninomiya of the Yukawa Institute for Theoretical Physics in Kyoto have postulated that future civilizations simply don’t want the nature of Higgs boson to be revealed for reasons we apparently will never know. The rationale behind this is based on a series of seemingly odd accidents that have plagued particle accelerators over the years, preventing researchers from penetrating the secrets of the universe.

Basically, Earthlings of 2011 are simply not supposed to understand subatomic physics. We’re not ready for it, so says this “theory,” presumably because future history will remember this breakthrough as what ultimately led to doomsday.

Since there have been several verified sightings of time travelers lately, I have collected numerous other world events that have no other rational explanation and must be ascribed to those pesky, interfering, time-traveling terrorists.

(Editor’s note: If this web page crashes and disappears from search engines, you know what has happened.)

Greek Debt Crisis
What goes around comes around. Most people think the Trojan War ended in 1199 BCE with the ancient city being destroyed—or in 2004 with Brad Pitt pouting in a cute skirt in the movie version. However, the Trojans have been biding their time, looking for payback. In the future, ancestors of the ancient Trojans have devoted themselves to gene manipulation and have implanted the DNA that controls fiscal irresponsibility and bouzouki music into modern Greeks. Future Trojans also made the Greeks write in that crazy hand-cramping alphabet. The lesson here: Greeks bearing gifts probably paid for them on credit.

Canadian stability
The universe has big plans for Canada that revolve around the subatomic particles of hockey tape and Justin Bieber’s lip gloss. Why else would Canada be such a stable place when all around us is economic destruction and despair? As Stephen Harper turns us from a kind, caring people into gray, intolerant (but solvent) citizens, we look forward to what the future holds. No doubt, our manufacturing sector will be sustaining our economy in two hundred years when our oil and gas reserves are gone. No doubt at all.

The immortal Vladimir Putin
Like a slicker version of Rasputin, Putin’s political career won’t die and his body probably won’t either. History shows Russia has only flourished with strong, long-term leaders. Preserving Lenin in Red Square forever is a nice idea, but in the future we all know a leader full of sawdust is not as inspiring as a walking, talking and slightly despotic one. Russian time travelers knew/know/will know that being a bit player in 21st-century history was not something Russia is all about. Russia has to be powerful and strong! Russia has to menace! And what better way to do that than to have a leader that wants to reconstitute the U.S.S.R., launch a Russian petroarchy and maybe even buy back Alaska from the Americans.

Republican Party Presidential Candidates
The dedicated, conservative and fiscally responsible political entity has morphed into a bizarre-clique of religious fundamentalists, paranoids, fact-benders, creeps and serial adulterers. It could only be more entertaining if The Donald had stayed, along with his vice-presidential running mate, his hair-piece.

Such a cast of characters seems like they are from another space and time—that’s because they are. Time-refugees from a reactionary, regressive and male-dominated future USA, they wished to journey back to the good ol’ Puritan days of America when a good witch-burning could solve all society’s woes—they just missed by 300 years.

Fat America
Teenagers in the U.S. regularly weighing in at 235 pounds as they waddle to the couch to play video games? Young adults with heart disease from waiting in line at McDonald’s?

Yes, time traveling aliens are porking up our southern neighbours, just as Americans use breeding techniques and growth hormones to produce giant pigs and cows. And the future aliens have the same purpose, to chow down on the citizens of America when they invade. Needless to say, when the aliens arrive from their space journey, they will be famished—those fried Texans are tentacle-lickin’ good. It’s strategic gourmet planning on a galactic time-bending scale.

Canadian housing bubble
Good news. The real estate bubble in Canada won’t collapse and prices will keep a growth rate of 6% for the next 21,054,656,706,543,581 years. The reason? A time travelling real estate investor bought a fixer-upper and now waits for a great return by manipulating the market and moving prices higher and higher. So if you still want to buy that tiny junior-bachelor condo in Vancouver for $2.3 million, go ahead—it’s a steal.

Global warming
Despite overwhelming scientific evidence pointing out the dire need for governments and business to quickly reduce carbon emissions, most people are completely oblivious to the impending danger. No doubt time travelling sociologists are using us in a large lab test to prove theories on mass delusion; the worse the climate gets, the more we will deny it is happening. The oceans will evaporate and Earth’s soil will lose its nutrients, but we will continue to believe politicians who say the scientists have got the data wrong. Fortunately, while horrific climate disruptions will be inconvenient for billions of people as air becomes toxic and drinking water becomes as valuable as gold, there is a bright side: when the deadly comet hits our planet next millennium, Earth will be a cesspool of deadly gas and ash. And no one will be around to care.